Deeper Illusions Read online

  “Yeah,” I said. “She is unusual. She was actually born with eyes that color.”

  “Well, she’s beautiful, that’s for sure.”

  I smiled and took a sip of my green tea. “Thank you,” I said.

  The Lena got up and did an impromptu belly dance to some of the music that was playing. She was actually quite good. She convinced me to get up with her, while she showed me some moves. The rest of our party was cheering us on and laughing. I guessed that they were drinking a bit, but I was completely sober, so I was feeling self-conscious.

  I found myself having a good time, perhaps for the first time since I found out about Natalie. Lena was a lot of fun, and she invited me over to her apartment to watch some movies. So, after dinner, Dalilah and I headed over to her tiny studio apartment, and I sat on a bean bag on the floor and prepared to watch Shaun of the Dead.

  Lena brought out some popcorn. “So,”she said. “Are you having problems making ends meet, what with day care and all?”

  “God, yes,” I said. “I mean, I haven’t gone back to work yet, but, when I do, I’m gonna have to use my Visa cash advance money to pay for it. I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”

  “I have a plan, then,” she said. “Just wait right here, I need to go next door and get my son.”

  At that, she went out the door and came back in a few minutes later with a beautiful half-Asian child who was a few months older than Dalilah. The little boy, like Dalilah, was fast asleep, his little hand curled up towards his mouth. “This is Samuel,” Lena said. “His father was a turkey baster.”

  “Aw,” I said. “How cute. How does the turkey baster thing work?”

  “That’s just a joke. Actually, I convinced one of my best friends to father Samuel for me. He doesn’t want custody or anything, he just did it so that I could have a kid.”

  “Do you get child support?”

  “No, I couldn’t do that to him. He did it as a favor to me, that wouldn’t be right to make him pay like that.”

  “So, then, we’re kinda in the same boat,” I said. “Neither of us are getting child support, and both of us are single mothers,” I said.

  “Right,” she said. “So, I was thinking that maybe we could help each other out, here. I thought that we could find a place to live, and be roommates. We could get the store to give us different shifts, so that I could watch Dalilah when you work, and you could watch Samuel when I work.”

  I thought that this was a great idea. I was lonely and starving for adult companionship anyhow, and I needed to cut my cost of living and find somebody to watch Dalilah. It seemed that all of these wishes were fulfilled with my proposed living arrangement with Lena.

  So, we found a small two bedroom bungalow for $2,600, which would still be a stretch for both us to make, but we put together a workable budget that would presumably help us make ends meet. What would happen when our kids got too old to stay with us in our respective bedrooms was an open question.

  Everything was going good with this arrangement, and I felt a bit recovered from my Ryan emotional devastation, because I had a part of him in my beautiful daughter. I saw Ryan in everything about her, even in her newborn state. She was beautiful, docile and happy.

  Just like her father.

  Lena even agreed to watch her while I went on my first date with Brent, who was a guy I met while checking at the Whole Foods. He was nice enough, was around my age, and it was a plus that he was at the Whole Foods, because it meant that he was at least somewhat sophisticated.

  I really didn’t want to go, but I was lonely.

  But, when I started getting ready, I started to panic at the very thought of going out with somebody new. It wasn’t just that I was still passionately and completely in love with Ryan, although that certainly didn’t help matters. There was the matter of intimacy. I hadn’t let Ryan intimately touch me, even before the Nat thing. He didn’t even try. He knew how broken I was because of what Andrew did to me. I despaired that I would ever let somebody touch me like that again. If I wouldn’t let Ryan, the love of my life, do that to me, I certainly wasn’t going to let this Brent person, or anybody else for that matter, touch me like that.

  Of course, this was our first date. I hoped that something like sex wouldn’t come up, and, if it did, I would address it directly. I would tell him that I was raped and I couldn’t think about doing something like that.

  Then watch him run.

  He showed up right at 6, to take me to dinner someplace on the Pier. I told him that what I really wanted to do was to watch the sea lions. Those animals were absolutely fascinating to me, and I found myself watching them for hours on end. I even took Dalilah down there, although she was far too young to appreciate them. They were there by the hundreds, barking, preening, and forcing each other off the pier. I found them hilarious, and I found that I could lose myself watching them. I was especially fascinated with the babies, with their protective mommas there. I felt the same about Dalilah – a protective momma sea lion. I had always loved sea lions, even when I lived in Kansas City – when I went to the zoo there, all I wanted to do was see the sea lions and the hippos. Here they were in their natural habitat, and they were my greatest form of escape.

  My only form of escape, really.

  So, we made a date to go to the Sea Lion Café, which was no doubt going to be bustling on a Friday night.

  When he showed up, he looked dapper in a button down shirt, jacket, sandals and jeans. I wasn’t digging the sandals so much. I hoped that I could overlook it - I had dumped people for less, I was ashamed to say. Well, not really. I had dumped people because the chemistry wasn’t there. Ryan could wear as many sandals as he wants, but that wouldn’t matter because he was, well, Ryan. Gorgeous, yes, but more than that. He was…my soul mate.

  But Brent had dimples when he smiled, which usually are a major turn-on for me. Usually.

  I smiled back, but I wasn’t feeling the smile inside.

  I wasn’t feeling anything but polite.

  “Have fun, you two!” Lena called from the living room.

  “Thanks, Lene, I owe you one.”

  “Yeah, I’ll take you up on that in the 12th of never.” Lena was having problems finding a suitable partner herself.

  Over dinner, Brent tried to get to know me. “So, you went to school at Ol’ Mizzou. What brings you out here?”

  I figure it would sound pretty stupid for me to tell him that I came for the sea lions, so I said “I just think it’s the most beautiful city in the world. The last time I was here, I saw the city on foot. I must’ve walked ten miles that day from the Pier, through Japan Town, over to Haight Ashbury, and up through Pacific Heights. I have never seen a city with such old-world charm.”

  He raised his eyebrows. “And you were a lawyer back in Missouri?” He was obviously suspicious on how I went from lawyer to Whole Foods checker.

  “Yes.”

  “And you moved out here on a wing and a prayer? This is a really expensive city to live in, you know.”

  “Yeah, so I’m finding out.”

  “I see. If you don’t mind my asking, you said that you have a daughter who is just a few months old. What’s the story there?”

  I started to panic. How would I explain any of it? My story is just too weird for anybody to understand. So I said “that was a turkey baster conception. I really wanted a child, and figured I’m not getting any younger, so…”

  Now he was looking incredulous. “You’re just kinda a play by ear kinda gal, aren’t you? Just go where the wind blows, bring a child into the world without knowing how to support her.”

  “Are you judging me?”

  “No. But you strike me as somebody who doesn’t think about the consequences of the decisions she makes.”

  Truer words were never spoken.

  But he doesn’t know the half of it.

  “Uh, perhaps this date wasn’t such a good idea,” I said.

  We ate in silence for the rest of the meal, and
I insisted on splitting the check afterwards.

  I wouldn’t have to explain my rape to Brent after all.

  I didn’t try to date anybody else after that. To tell the truth, getting up the courage to even go out with him took a lot out of me. So, I decided just to do my work, and raise my child, and be happy with that. Nobody would ever compare to Ryan, anyhow, so it was no use even trying to find somebody who could take his place.

  Then, one day, Lena came home from her shift at the Whole Foods and simply said “Why didn't you tell me?”

  I was sitting on the floor with her child, Samuel, playing blocks with him, while Dalilah was in her crib above my head. I somehow knew just what she was talking about.

  Still, I played dumb. “Tell you what?”

  She shook her head. “Is this your husband?” She had the old People magazine in her hand.

  “Well, what do you think? That's me there, isn't it?”

  “Why didn't you tell me that you're rich?”

  “Because I'm not rich, that's why.”

  “Bullshit.” At that, she gave me another article that she printed off the Internet. It was story about my divorce from Ryan that also appeared in another issue of People, but was not the cover story. “Says here that you own a painting that has a value of $120 million, and you also got a $50 million cash settlement.”

  “That's not my money,” I said, simply.

  “Then whose is it?”

  I never thought that I would have to explain this to anybody. Why I thought that, I don't know. Naive, I guess.

  “Well, it's technically my money. But I want no part of it. I didn't earn it, and I don't want it.”

  “Nevertheless, it's your money. Good god, you mean that we could be living it up in the Pacific Heights, instead of living here in this dump?”

  “Lena, drop it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it, but that money doesn't belong to me.”

  “Whatever,” she said. “Why would you lie? You told all of us that the father of Dalilah was some random hookup. He’s not some random hookup, he’s the son of one of the richest men in the world.”

  “Benjamin Whitney is considered to be one of the richest men in the world?”

  “Yes,” she said. “How do you know so little about your child’s heritage? It says here that the Whitneys are old money shipyard tycoons.”

  “I don’t know why I know so little about Dalilah’s grandfather. It’s probably because I just met the guy not even a year ago, and my ex-husband never talked about him very much. I did Wiki him when I first started dating Ryan, but I pretty much skimmed through a lot of that.” I didn’t tell her that I was looking for information about Benjamin’s personal life at the time, not about his business interests.

  “Jesus Christ. After that old man croaks, your daughter is going to be rich beyond belief. What do you think about that?”

  “First of all, Benjamin is not old. He’s like not even sixty. Second of all, why do I care about that? Since when does money ever make anybody happy?”

  “Since always,” Lena said.

  “Money is kinda like intelligence,” I said. “You want to be smart, but you don’t want to necessarily be a super-genius, because mental issues tend to accompany that. Look at all the bright minds who committed suicide. It’s the same with money. You want to have enough, but when you start talking about billions, it’s just too much. You start running into people like Reginald Vanderbilt who was a wastrel and an alcoholic, and the Getty family that had all kinds of problems over the years. They say that the great fortunes of the super wealthy are depleted by the third generation. Shirt sleeves to shirt sleeves in three generations is the old saying.”

  “Maybe so, but, come on. You’re not doing your daughter any service at all by pretending to be some broke clerk who is living hand to mouth. Maybe you don’t want her inheriting billions, but I would think that you would want a better life for her than what you are providing.”

  Lena made sense, but it was still frustrating. It seemed that my past would never really leave me. It always had a way of bubbling up. As long as my face was on that People magazine, there would always be people like Lena, demanding that I come clean. I would never be able to truly escape who I was before.

  The following week, I discovered just how right that was.

  Chapter Forty-Six

  I was waiting in line at the Starbucks in our neighborhood. I had taken Dalilah out for a little walk before work, and ended up there. Then I turned around and...of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, he walks into this one.

  Nick O'Hara was coming in the door.

  I immediately turned my head, and started to try to push Dalilah as I attempted to make my way out the door.

  “Iris?”

  Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

  “Nick. Hello.”

  “Hi,” he said, looking at Dalilah. He was fixated on her.

  “This is my roommate's child, Dalilah.”

  “Bullshit. That's your child with Ryan.”

  I gave a look as if to say what are you talking about? “No, it's not. I don't know what you are talking about.”

  “Come on. I got eyes. That kid is the spitting image of him and Sarah.”

  I just shook my head.

  “Whatever. Hey, listen, meet me on the patio. I have to talk to you.”

  I sighed, wanting to get away as quickly as possible. But, never mind, I was caught. Even getting 1,500 miles away apparently wasn't enough. Shit, I probably would've been caught if I lived in Taipei.

  Fate obviously wanted me to confront what I had done.

  I sat outside on the patio and waited for him to come out.

  He sat down. “I'm glad I ran into you. I tried to call you many times, but it seems that your phone was disconnected. I now know why.”

  I nodded. “I got a different number when I moved out here. It's easier that way.”

  “Right. Listen, I’m not going to beat around the bush. You have to get back to Kansas City. Ryan is not doing well at all.”

  “What do you mean? He's living with Nat.”

  “Yeah. But you know what? They may be living together, but they have never had sex. Ever.”

  “Then why is she living there?”

  “Hello? You know Ryan as well as anybody. You know that he’s not the type to just a leave a woman high and dry if she’s carrying his child. What did you expect he would do when she was kicked out by Nate?”

  I did know that about him. If nothing else, Ryan was a stand-up guy. Then I said “They did have sex, though. That's why she has his baby now.”

  “Aside from that, he hasn’t touched her. Listen, you have to get off your high horse about that. You're the reason that happened in the first place.”

  “Don't tell me that you believe that nonsense about him thinking she was me.”

  “You goddamned right I believe it. Ryan told me, and Nat did too.”

  “Nat told you?”

  “Yeah. I finally got her to confess about it, about the same time that she told me that Ryan refuses to touch her. She was upset because she imagined that if she was living with him and having his baby, that they would naturally become a couple. When that didn't happen, she called me and poured her heart out to me.”

  “Why aren't they having sex?”

  “Duh. There is only one woman for him, and it ain't Nat.”

  My heart started to melt just a little. “They'll get used to each other and become the family they're supposed to be.”

  “Listen, Iris. You're either going to come to Kansas City the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is that you get on a plane willingly and face the music. The hard way is that I will report to the judge who did your divorce that you lied when you said that you weren't pregnant at the time of the divorce. At any rate, that divorce is null and void.”

  I hung my head. I knew what he was saying was the truth.

  And a part of me really wanted to go back home. Go back home to
the one person that I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.

  “I-”

  “Easy way or hard way. Your choice.”

  “Nat told you that she tricked him into bed?”

  “Yes. I told you that, didn't I?”

  “How is that possible?”

  “The mind does funny things when deprived of sleep, and when the person is stressed out and suffering from a concussion. And, if you ask me, I don't think Nat’s baby is Ryan's. This one looks just like him,” he said, looking into the little bassinette at Dalilah. “But Nat's baby looks like Nate to me.”

  “Hasn't there been a DNA test?” I asked.

  “Nat hasn't allowed it so far. Wonder why?”

  “So, Ryan gets a court order. Simple.”

  “Iris, you don't understand. Ryan is a ghost of a man. He hardly does anything anymore. He walks around in a daze most of the time. I don't think he's exactly on drugs again, but I wouldn't be surprised. At any rate, he has no spirit left in him. So, he hasn't fought for a DNA test, and Nat sure ain't going to offer it.”

  “Is he back at his job?” I asked, concerned.

  “Yeah. He's still good at that. He says that throwing himself into his work takes his mind off of you, so that is the only thing keeping him going. Other than that, though, there's no life left in him.”

  My heart went out to him. And I was finally starting to believe that maybe, just maybe, Ryan was telling me the truth about Nat and how she conceived. Plus, Nick thought that the baby wasn't Ryan's after all.

  “Ok.”

  “Ok, what?”

  “Ok, I'll go back the easy way.”

  “Good. I'll have Ryan's plane flown out here to pick you up.”

  “No. I'll fly commercial. There's no need-”

  “Would you shut up? Goddamn, sometimes I have no idea why that guy is so in love with you. Go to the San Francisco Airport and meet me at the private jet hangar.”

  “Where exactly do I meet you?”

  He drew me a map of the airport, then pointed “Right here.”

  “When will the plane be here?”

  “I'm going to call Tim right now to charter it,” he said as he got on his smart phone. He talked a little, then got off the phone. “Done. We're leaving in four hours.”