Deeper Illusions Read online

“Well, we can’t just let you leave without having a goodbye party. I’m going to throw you the most fabulous bon voyage imaginable.”

  “You always do throw the best parties,” I said.

  So, the going away party was set for the next day, an impromptu shindig. The short notice for the party was necessitated by the fact that I, well, wanted the hell out of town.

  I felt awful breaking the news to my parents. “What?” my mother asked me after I invited her to the party. She was astonished. “Why are you leaving?”

  “I just feel the need to get away,” I said. “I can’t face the fact that I might run into Ryan here in town.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” my mother said. “There’s over a million people in the area. Chances are that you never will have to see him again.”

  “I can’t take that chance,” I said, not telling her that there was a grandchild on the way.

  The party was a success, in spite of the short notice. I helped get everything ready, and the boys used their good China. Over 40 of my closest friends and family showed up to wish me well. I was touched that they were able to make the party with only a day’s notice. The spread included lasagna, garlic bread, pizza, cheesecake and lots of alcohol. I didn’t partake in the alcohol, of course, but everybody else did. Everybody stayed until around midnight, then they headed home, pretty much en masse.

  Debbie stayed late to help clean up. “So, what are you going to do once you get out there?”

  “I have no clue,” I said. “Get a job, I would imagine.”

  “Are you going to take the bar?”

  “I doubt it. I didn’t like law here, so why would I want to practice it out there?”

  “Because that’s what you know. That’s what you are trained for. That’s what you spent 7 years of your life getting an education for.”

  “Yeah, that’s played. I’ll just have to figure something else out.”

  She was disapproving, I know, but she said nothing. She was very good about not pressing the matter when it becomes clear that I didn’t want further discussion. This was a learned skill for her, but she mastered it well. Yes, I was screwing up my life. I was well aware of that. But I was determined to follow through with my plan, come hell or high water. I didn’t care that the plan was stupid, or not viable. Debbie knew this, understood this, so she said nothing more.

  She did, however, admonish me about the baby. “You can’t just keep that baby away from him forever, you know. Sooner or later, you’re going to have to tell him.”

  “I realize that. But I need to feel a little more sane and stable before doing that. Right now, with my hormones so out of wack, and with my feeling so betrayed and traumatized, I just cannot face him. I’ll recover, I always do. I’ll get stronger, and then I hope to come back and make things right.”

  The next day, I got my suitcase, and packed Madison in her carrier. Then I cried in Richard's arms for what seemed to be an eternity, and said “drive me to the airport?”

  At that, we got into his car and headed to the airport so that I could catch the next flight to San Francisco.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  I was now in San Francisco, the city by the bay. I had a cash advance from my Visa, and put the money into my new account. I pretended that the other money didn't exist. I also got a new phone and a new phone number.

  I checked into a low price hotel that was by the Pier 39, hiding the fact that I had a cat, and walked down to watch the sea lions frolicking on the dock. I stood there for hours, just watching them bully each other and bark. Then I took a bus through China Town and over to Ocean Beach. Since it was now early spring, it was freezing, and I had wrapped myself up in a winter coat, hat, gloves and a scarf. The beach was deserted, but the ocean was comforting. There was no way that I could possibly get in the water, but I, once again, felt the presence of God. The ocean always made me think of Him, for some reason. There was no other times when I felt His presence but when I looked at the vast depths of water.

  I closed my eyes, trying to forget about Ryan and I on the beach of LA, and Ryan and I on the cliffs of Rhode Island. But the memories could not be fought, and as I lay down on the sand, the tears came once again. It seemed that I have never really stopped crying since I found out about Nat. I just could never show Ryan that.

  I laid there by the ocean for hours, my tears flowing as much as the ocean itself. The waves were crashing, again and again, and the seagulls were shrieking. This was a beautiful moment, and I prayed that Ryan would be happy with Nat. All I wanted was for him to be happy and find peace in his life. It devastated me to see him at Sheldon's office, because seeing him at all ripped my heart out, but it was more than that. I realized that the way that he looked at the office meant that he was severely depressed. Because of me. In my own weird way, I was trying to do the right thing. Trying to make sure that Nat's baby has a father.

  But I had devastated him in the process.

  I spoke aloud “God, are you there? If you are, please hear me. Please help Ryan find happiness with Nat. Please keep him off of drugs. Please help him find peace. Please, God. He deserves it. He deserves it. He deserves it. He deserves it. He deserves it.”

  Then I got up off the sand, and wandered along the shore for hours, picking up seashells, and poking little jellyfish that had washed ashore. The sun was finally setting, and I made my way to the nearest bus and headed to my hotel room.

  Chapter Forty-Three

  I couldn’t live off of my credit card money forever. I had to find a job. California was coming back from the recession, but jobs were still somewhat scarce. I thought for about a half second about taking the California bar and pursuing some kind of attorney job out here. But I realized that I had been out of school for so long that I couldn’t remember much about all of those areas of law – contracts, torts, constitutional law, property law, and criminal law. I had a pretty good working knowledge of many of those areas, but detailed knowledge is what I would need to pass. The passage rate was quite low, and I barely passed the bar in Missouri and Kansas.

  Plus, law didn’t make me happy.

  So, I set my sights low, having very little energy for a demanding job. I walked into the local Whole Foods and asked for an application.

  A tattooed guy of around 25 was clerking, and I asked him about how to apply at the store. He directed me to a kiosk, and I filled out my information.

  “So what’s next?” I asked.

  “Your app will be looked at, and hopefully we’ll call you for an interview. What kind of qualifications do you have?”

  “I know a lot about organics and the importance of buying local, and the advantages of buying meat that isn’t factory farmed.” Truth be told, most of my knowledge about these topics came from listening to Jillian Michaels on my iPod while I exercised or walked.

  I didn’t tell him that, though.

  “What’s your background?”

  “I was actually an attorney back home in Kansas City.”

  “And you want to work here?”

  “Yes, actually. You won’t believe me if I told you this, but I’ve wanted to work in a Whole Foods ever since I stepped foot in my very first store. It just has such a cool vibe, and seems like a very relaxed place to work. Don’t get me wrong, I know that there is a lot involved to the job, but I really want to work with people with a laid-back attitude.”

  He nodded. “You’ve come to the right place, for sure. You’ll probably get an interview.”

  “That’s all I can ask.”

  At that, I went home to my hotel room and willed the phone to ring. I didn’t know what I would do when the Visa money ran out, which would happen sooner than I thought in such an expensive city. I didn’t go out much, except to wander around the city on foot. I couldn’t afford a car, so I got around by street car, bus and cable car. I also went for long walks, wandering all around the city. I must have walked six miles a day or more – there was just so much to see and take in. This city was really
the most beautiful placed I knew. I couldn’t afford to go out to eat, so I usually packed a small brown-bag lunch, consisting of fruit and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I was also very cognizant that I needed to feed Dalilah, so I started the day every day with a protein shake mixed with spinach and other veggies. I really wasn’t all that hungry, though, so I had to force myself to eat.

  I didn’t know if my lack of appetite was because of Dalilah or because of my depression, which was threatening to overwhelm me. I tried very hard to work my program that I learned through my CBT, but it didn’t seem to be working. Everywhere I saw Ryan. There weren’t too many guys who matched him as far as how he looked, but I sought out men who had his kindness, intelligence and humor. But I really didn’t find men who matched him in these areas, either.

  I despaired that I ever would have that kind of love again, and I really didn’t want it.

  But I wanted companionship, and that was what I really missed the most about Ryan. From the start, I felt that I had known him forever. Our rapport was always so easy, never forced. We laughed at each other’s silly jokes, could get into endless political discussions, and he was always so…interested. In me. In what I thought, how I felt, what my dreams were, and my nightmares. The thought that he wasn’t in my life anymore was more devastating to me than Rochelle, Andrew and Mr. Green put together.

  Every evening I took the bus to the beach and just sat and watched the waves and cried. It didn’t help that my hormones were going haywire. I thought about just going into the ocean like Virginia Woolf, weighed down with rocks. The only thing that stopped me from doing that was Dalilah. She was what kept me from harming myself with alcohol or drugs as well. I couldn’t rely on any of my old crutches, because I couldn’t do harm to her.

  And just the thought that I could possibly have a part of Ryan in her gave me great comfort.

  About a week after my application process at the Whole Foods I was granted an interview. I must have impressed the hiring manager with my personality, because I, amazingly, got the job. I would start clerking, and rotate to other departments while I worked there.

  Since my Visa money was starting to get slightly low, because the hotel was so expensive, I had to find a cheap place to live, which was not easy in San Francisco. The place also would have to let me have Madison, which complicated matters. Poor Madison – cats hate change, and she was having a tough time adjusting. Plus, it seemed that she was absolutely traumatized by the plane ride. I was able to store her under the seat, so she didn’t go cargo, and I did give her some tranquilizers. But, still, she didn’t seem the same.

  Yet another creature whose life I destroyed.

  I did find a small room for rent in one of the Victorian mansions for $1,200 a month, which just about cleared out my bank account each month, as my take home pay was only around $1,800 a month. Still, I got good discounts at the Whole Foods, so that helped. Everything helped.

  Dalilah was growing inside me. I could feel her kicking me now. It started out as little flutters, now it was as if she was fighting to get out. I was about six months along, and everything was going fine.

  I started to feel not so alone when she kicked, because it reminded me that she was there.

  Even so, I was a shell. I was dead inside. I prayed that I would come to life when Dalilah arrived. I had to come to life when she arrived. She couldn't have a mother who was dead inside.

  Every night when I went home, I was alone with my thoughts. And I realized that I would gladly have suffered everything again – the rape, the Rochelle attack, the splashing of my private life across the news channels – if I could have one more moment with Ryan. I was dead inside because I lost the love of my life. Everything else that had happened to me paled in comparison.

  I did my work dutifully, learning more about organics than I ever thought I would. There was even a guy there who evidently had his eye on me, burgeoning belly and all. But I politely declined to go out with him. He was cute and seemed nice, but I had already made the decision not to pursue anybody else, ever again. It would only be me and Dalilah forever. And when she grew up and left me...I didn't want to think that far.

  I had Richard do the drive-bys for me at home, and he agreed. He always reported back, and it seemed that Natalie was still living there with Ryan. This pained me beyond measure, but also made me happy.

  Maybe he was finding his peace and happiness with her.

  That was still all I wanted.

  Every night, I had the same dreams about Ryan. He and I were always together and happy. In my dreams, we were always laughing and teasing each other. We were always holding hands, and holding each other. We were always making love. Then I would wake up, and feel the devastation of an empty bed.

  Then, one day, my water broke, right there in the Whole Foods.

  Chapter Forty-Four

  “Oh, shit,” I said. “My water just broke.”

  “Well, come on, girl, let's go,” Lena, who was a lesbian hippy, was more than happy to take me to the hospital. “Hey, Chaz, I gotta take this lady to the hospital. Can you find people to cover for us?”

  Chaz, a dreadlocked boy of about 22, appeared and agreed to call people to come in to cover.

  “Thanks, Chaz,” Lena said, as I panicked a little, breathing in and out, in and out, in and out.

  “This is your first?” Lena asked.

  I simply nodded, and kept breathing in and out.

  “Don't be too afraid of the pain. It's not that bad. Well, I lied. It is that bad. But don't be afraid,” she said, as we made our way to her 1987 Datsun.

  I shook my head. She had no idea how much physical and emotional pain I had been through. No earthly idea. No matter how much pain this would cause me, it would be cake compared to everything else.

  She sped to the hospital, with me in the passenger's side doing my breathing like I was taught in my Lamaze class. Then the hospital orderlies got a wheelchair for me, and pushed me into the ER. I immediately was admitted to the OB/Gyn unit, where there was a team of doctors around me telling me to push. I pushed harder and harder. The pain was excruciating, but not as bad as the pain from the rape and Rochelle attacking me, and my emotional pain from losing Ryan, which was the most excruciating of all.

  As I suspected, this pain was nothing compared to everything else.

  Finally, after about an hour of my bearing down and pushing, at the urging of the doctors, I heard a cry. I was exhausted and spent, but when the doctors brought me Dalilah, all the pain in birthing her was forgotten.

  I looked in her face, and I knew. I knew exactly who she belonged to. She had a delicate little nose, and precious rose-bud lips.

  And the greenest eyes I had ever seen on anybody.

  With the exception of her father.

  Chapter Forty-Five

  With the baby here, I found that it was going to be a problem trying to make ends meet. The money from the Whole Foods would no longer stretch, so I had to think of something else. Day care alone would cost some $1,200 a month for the very cheapest place, so Lena and I decided to move in together and watch each other's children while we alternated shifts.

  We talked about the deal over dinner one night. The Whole Foods gang went out to a restaurant in China Town to celebrate a co-workers birthday. I brought my newborn daughter along, and put her in her carrier next to me. She dozed while I had fun with my new friends.

  “So,” Lena said, “how are you liking this city so far?”

  “Great. It’s really expensive, though. It’s kinda discouraging, really.”

  “You don’t know the half of it. Try to find a house to buy here. No, really, try. Do you know that the median home price for this town is around a million dollars?”

  “I believe it,” I said.

  “So, what’s your story? We’ve all been curious about you, just popping up out of the Midwest, without a real job that would require you to leave your home.”

  “No story. I just needed a change, that�
�s all. I really had a desire to live by the ocean. That’s always been my thing.”

  “This city isn’t really known for its ocean. Way too cold on the beaches, and the water is absolutely freezing year-round. If you wanted a coastal town, you probably should’ve looked further south, like in Los Angeles or San Diego.”

  “That doesn’t matter,” I said. “I just like being close to the water. The beaches here are actually very peaceful, just because they are so deserted.”

  Somebody from the table got up to order some dim sum for the table, and we all dug into the bite-sized entrees eagerly. It was delicious. “See,” I said, holding up a dumpling on the end of my chopstick, “this is why I moved to this city. I don’t think that I can find Chinese food this good in my hometown.”

  Then I asked Lena “what about you? How long have you been living here?”

  “All my life,” she said. “My parents lived in the Haight-Ashbury district when I was growing up, and I got involved with all kinds of social justice projects. I would never want to leave this city, no matter how much it costs to buy a home, just because no other city has the same vibe. I’ve visited many different places, and I have come to find out that there really is no place like home for me.”

  Frank, another co-worker, asked me “so, you’re a single mother. Are you looking to date anybody? I mean, a lot of times a woman doesn’t really want to date when she has a child, because she doesn’t want a revolving door.”

  “I haven’t thought about it,” I said.

  “I hate to pry, but where is the father?” he asked.

  “Not sure. It was kinda a one-night stand type of deal. I never got his name.”

  “Ah,” he said, looking at Dalilah. “Well, from the looks of things, you chose your one-night stand well. Your daughter is absolutely stunning.”

  “Yes,” I said. “That she is.”

  Another co-worker looked at Dalilah and exclaimed “look at those eyes. You rarely see an infant with eyes that color. Usually they’re blue.”