Deeper Illusions Page 19

  I nodded my head, relieved.

  Then I took my vitamins, gave the receptionist my insurance card, and went out to catch the bus to get to Richard's.

  When I got to Richard's, I saw Ryan's Porsche on the street in front of the house.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  There was a large part of me that wanted to walk on past Richard's house when I saw Ryan's car in front. But I knew that I would have to confront it sooner or later.

  Might as well get it over with.

  I walked in, and Ryan immediately stood up. He was apparently sitting in the living room prior to my arrival, talking to Richard and Mark, and casually drinking a beer. He had a hopeful look in those beautiful eyes. I had to admit that seeing him gave me the usual reaction of heart pounding electricity, and oh, how I wanted him to simply take me in his arms and tell me that everything was going to be ok.

  I loved him so much it hurt.

  I wanted to tell him that I would go home with him, that he was the love of my life, that I couldn’t live a single day without him, and that I wanted to be with him forever.

  Instead I said “What the hell are you doing here?”

  His face immediately fell.

  I shot a look at Richard and Mark, and said to Ryan “Would you please excuse us? I need to talk to Richard and Mark alone.”

  He nodded, and went out on the back patio and shut the door.

  I looked at the two men “You didn't tell him about-” and pointed to my stomach.

  “Of course not,” Richard said. “That's your job, not ours.”

  “Good,” I said, pointing at both of them, then pointing two fingers at my eyes and pointing the two fingers back at them in the universal symbol of I'm watching you. “Keep it that way. Now tell him he can come back in.”

  At that, Richard opened the patio door, and Ryan stepped back in.

  “Well,” Richard said. “Mark and I are going to get something to eat.” And they got their coats on and left.

  After they left, I stood there glaring at Ryan with my arms crossed.

  Ryan spoke first. “I'm not leaving here until you come with me.”

  “What, are you going to force me to come home? Like you forced me to get a bodyguard? That turned out really well, didn't it?”

  He looked stung at my words.

  “And, by the way, I mean, I know that I didn’t want to press charges against the guy. But I really expected you to have more emotions about the whole issue than you did. That has always bothered me. I figured that you would want to kick his ass, or something.”

  He went white as a sheet. “I did want to kick his ass,” he said quietly. “Trust me. I wanted to kill him. After I found what happened to you, I found out where he was hiding. My father tracked him down. And I got my gun and was going to go straight to where he was and gun him down.” His face was contorted, and I knew that he was dead serious about this. “Nick found out what I was about to do and told me that there probably wasn't any way that I could win against a retired government assassin, and that, even if I did, I would be put into prison for the rest of my life.” His hands ran through his beautiful hair, as he spoke. “I said I didn't give a shit about that. All I cared about was ripping his lungs out of his body. But Nick talked me down as usual.”

  “How did he talk you down?”

  His beautiful eyes looked directly into mine as he said “Nick told me that if anything happened to me, that it would be devastating to you. If I was killed trying to kill Andrew, or if I was put into prison because I killed him, you would be the one who would suffer. And he was absolutely right.”

  “Oh, honey. You never told me this.” I suddenly realized that he was suffering, right along with me. He always hid this so well. “I love you.”

  Now he looked hopeful. His eyes suddenly lit up, as did his entire face. “Then you're coming home?”

  I shook my head. “No. I'm not really angry anymore, which is why I can admit to you how much I still love you. But I can never trust you again. I always thought that you could never cheat on me. But now you have. We haven't been married six months, and you have already impregnated another woman. And not just any woman. Someone who is also madly in love with you.” I looked at his face, which was now back to being crestfallen, his head down, and his hands shaking. “I can't come back. Not when there is a baby on the way with somebody else. I'm sorry.”

  And I was sorry. I realized that I, too, was devastated, just as much as him.

  “Iris. Please. There must be a way to get through this. Please don't do this. Please,” he said, as a tear ran down his cheek. “You're a part of me. If you leave me, you will rip out my soul.”

  “Then your soul must be already ripped out. Because I have already left.”

  “No, no, no, no, no. This can't be. There has to be a way.”

  I just looked at him. Then I quietly said “I think you better go.”

  He just stood there, shaking his head. “I'm not leaving without you.”

  “Then I'll leave,” I said, getting my coat and walking out the front door.

  He chased after me, grabbing my arm. “No. You can't leave, I won't let you.”

  I looked at my arm, which was being gripped by his hand, and simply said “I want a divorce.”

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  “A divorce? God, Iris. No. You can't do this.”

  “Listen to reason, here. You need to make an honest woman of Natalie. You can't just be with me and have a kid across the country. That kid has to know his father. You don't want the kid to grow up in a broken home like you did. Well, not the same thing, of course, but the shit is going to hit the fan when Nate finds out what happened, and Nat will be out on the street. Then what? The kid needs a stable home.” I found myself thinking what a hypocrite I was, because I, too, was carrying a child that had a fifty-fifty chance of being his. And that kid was going to grow up without him. But it was the other fifty percent chance that it wasn't his that made me have resolve about what I was saying.

  And in my speech, I never once considered the fact that perhaps Natalie also didn't really know who the father was.

  He looked pained. “Uh, Nat was already kicked out of the apartment.”

  “There, you see. She needs you.”

  “She's living in town now.”

  I nodded my head. This was getting worse by the millisecond.

  “So, what are you doing here? You need to make your family with her and leave me out of it.”

  “I don't love Nat. I love you. And you are the only woman I will ever love.”

  “Don't be dramatic. You have everything. Enjoy it. She looks better with you anyhow. And the kid with her will be guaranteed to be gorgeous. Any kid with me would-”

  “Would what?”

  “Would have a fifty-fifty chance of being gorgeous, that's all.”

  He got his familiar pissed look that he always gets whenever I put myself down, but said nothing.

  He obviously didn't pick up on the real reason I cut off when I talked about having a kid with me.

  And I left it at that.

  “Anyhow, please forget about me and be happy with Nat. I can never be yours again, because I can't trust you.”

  At that, I ran back inside the door and locked it. He stood outside the door, pounding on it, yelling my name over and over and over, but I shut out the lights, put earplugs in, and went to bed.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Ryan continued to pursue me constantly, with daily phone messages and regular roses, all of which I ignored.

  I had to form my plan on how I could manage to divorce him without him knowing about Dalilah, then make a new life with just her and me.

  I had a chance to think about what I wanted, really wanted, after Ryan was forced out of Richard's house that day. He finally gave up and went home at some point during the night. And I laid there and realized that I could never be with him, because I could never trust him not to hurt me again.

  He ta
lked about his soul being ripped out.

  So was mine when I found out about Nat.

  He talked about a part of him dying.

  The same thing happened to me when I found out about Nat.

  After everything that had happened to me, I didn't need any more pain in my life.

  So, all I wanted was to carry my child, and hope that we could make a little family that would never leave me or hurt me.

  With a heavy heart, I prepared divorce papers.

  I didn't need a lawyer. I literally didn't want anything from him. Just my maiden name restored. That was all that I wanted, so I figured that it would be easy as pie to get through it. And I had to do it quick, before I really started to show. As it was, I was seeing a little tiny pooch that was getting bigger by the day. If he knows about the baby, there would be no divorce by law. And it would complicate matters after the baby was born. There would be a custody battle, and I would always have him in my life, ripping out my heart every time I saw his beautiful face. Every time I saw him with Natalie and their no-doubt beautiful child, a part of me will die.

  I couldn't have that.

  I needed a clean slate.

  It occurred to me that I would be committing a major fraud when I made the allegation that I was not currently pregnant, which was an important part of every dissolution of marriage petition. But I would simply go off the grid again. Start a new life somewhere else, somewhere he can never find me. I always wanted to live in San Francisco.

  But I wouldn't have money.

  At that, I made an online application for a Visa. I figured that, at that moment, I had a million dollars in my account, so getting approved would be a snap, bad credit or no.

  In a matter of minutes, my hunch was correct. I had a $20,000 limit.

  Enough to get me started someplace new, to tide me over until I found a job.

  My divorce petition prepared, I took a bus downtown to file it with the fee. Ryan would be served at home. I couldn't do that to him at his work.

  Chapter Forty

  Ryan was served at his home, and he started blowing up the phone again. I refused to take his calls, but I did call his lawyer to schedule a meeting where we would hammer everything out. That way we could simply walk the divorce through on the uncontested docket, and get the judge to sign off on it.

  This meeting happened about a month after I filed the papers. Ryan had finally given up in defeat, and we agreed to meet at his lawyer's office. Sheldon would be handling his divorce, as he apparently handles all of Ryan's legal matters.

  Of course, Sheldon's office was in a high rise downtown. We met in the enormous conference room with floor to ceiling windows, and legal books lining the shelves. I smiled at looking at the legal books. They were all for show, of course - no lawyer ever looks at a book. There's no need to, when absolutely everything is on-line. Still, it looked nice.

  Ryan walked into the room, and I almost didn't recognize him. He had lost a considerable amount of weight, he was pale, there were dark circles under his eyes, and his hair had become unruly. It had a tendency to become unruly anyway, as it was super thick and wavy, but he always kept it trim and tamed. Now it was just growing out and looked a bit wild. He also had a full beard and moustache, which actually suited him. He was dressed down in shorts and a rumpled button down. I didn't think that it was possible that he could look so disheveled.

  Even so, he was still the most beautiful man I had ever set eyes upon.

  My heart broke.

  We sat there, just looking at one another, waiting for Sheldon to come in. His eyes were pleading with me, and it was all I could do to not leap into his arms and kiss him as passionately as ever, to tell him to forget this divorce nonsense, and that we would get through the Nat crisis together. That I never wanted to be apart from him, ever, and that I wanted us to be the two old people in the rocking chair, just like he told Sarah.

  Instead, I looked away. I felt self-conscious about my little belly, so I was wearing a loose-fitting shirt. I hoped that he just thought that I was gaining weight from eating too much from depression.

  Finally, Sheldon came in. He was a short man, about 5'7”, chubby, bespectacled, and with a receding hairline. He wore suspenders and a pin-striped shirt.

  “Ok, Mrs. Gallagher. Here is our opening offer,” Sheldon said, sitting down, and giving me a piece of paper.

  “No need. I just scheduled this meeting because I want to get everything finalized. I don't want a thing.” I was trying so hard to be courageous, and I felt I just came off as being cold.

  At that, Ryan looked pained.

  “Mrs. Gallagher, that's not an option. Please review our offer.”

  It was some opening offer. Ryan was trying to give me $50 million and the Cezanne, along with the Volvo, and the red diamond ring. My mouth dropped open when I read on the offer sheet that the Cezanne was valued at $120 million. The red diamond ring was valued at $2 million.

  “With all due respect, I don't want anything,” I said, pushing the paper back in rejection of the offer. “This is all very well and good, but I really don't want anything.”

  “Mrs. Gallagher, this is our offer. You need to take this, or there will be a trial.”

  “That's good with me. In a trial, that judge won't give me much. We were married for about a minute. Now, please don't be ridiculous,” I said, addressing Ryan directly. “I didn't earn any of this, so I'm not taking any of it.”

  “Mrs. Gallagher, that's not how it works. You are entitled to-”

  “Half of all earnings and increase in property value during the marriage. I know. I was a divorce attorney, so please don’t talk down to me. What I am entitled to isn't what you are offering me, and you know it,” I said, again addressing Ryan directly. “You're offering me half of everything you have, essentially, and I'm not taking it. I'm telling you I don't want anything. Those divorce laws are antiquated, anyhow, made during a time when a woman couldn't live without support from a man. I can make my own living.”

  “Be that as it may, Mrs. Gallagher, we are not withdrawing our offer.”

  “If you try to force me to take this offer, I swear to god, I will give every last penny to charity. I'll sell that Cezanne and give every nickel to the ASPCA, and every last penny from the cash I am getting.”

  To this, Ryan finally spoke. “Good. Those animals need protection.”

  My heart was being ripped out, as I remembered that those were the exact words Nate said to Ryan at that dinner just before Christmas of the year before last. God, that was a little over a year ago, and it now seemed like it was decades ago. That was such a happy time....I fought back tears remembering that wonderful memory.

  But I didn't tell him what I was thinking, how my heart was breaking with every glance I made at him. Instead I said “Well, if you aren't going to be reasonable, I will take my chances with the judge, and tell the judge that I don't want anything. Hopefully the judge will listen to me more than you will, Ryan.”

  I was bluffing, of course. The trial would be set out too far in the future, and, by then, there would be no hiding Baby Dalilah. And the last sonogram did show that the baby was a she, so I didn't have to change the name I had picked out for her.

  “That's my offer,” Ryan said. “Take it or leave it.”

  I shook my head angrily. I was being backed into a corner, and I didn't like it. I had to take this offer, but there was no way I was going to take it lying down. It would be drastic to give it all to charity, but I could always just pretend it didn't exist. I would continue to live on my own wages and my own gumption, and pretend it all doesn't exist.

  “I don't want your money. I don't deserve it, and I don't want it. Please listen to me. I don't want anything from you.” Inside I was screaming I love you, I love you, I love you. Please don't leave me. Please don't leave me. I'm dying inside.

  Ryan and Sheldon were now whispering amongst themselves. Then Sheldon said “Fine, Mrs. Gallagher. We will see you at trial.” />
  No. No trial. “Ok. I'll take the offer.”

  Ryan looked like a deflated balloon. I thought that I saw a little bit of life in his eyes when he first saw me, but that flicker was gone. Now he just looked dead inside.

  Like myself.

  With shaking hands, I signed the paperwork.

  Then got up and left without a word.

  Chapter Forty-One

  “Doll, what are you going to do now?” Richard was asking me, as he watched me packing my suitcase.

  “I'm leaving. I can't be here. There are too many bad memories here, and, besides, Ryan can't know about Dalilah.”

  “How can you just keep that from him? That's his child, too.”

  “50-50 chance it's not his, remember?”

  “50-50 chance it is his, too. Besides, what are you going to do when Rochelle has her trial? You are the star witness.”

  “Hopefully that will plead and I'm not going to have to worry about it.”

  “Fat chance. The news stations are already gearing up for it.”

  “By then, Dalilah will be here, and I'll put her in day care or something. I'll think of something.”

  I always do.

  “You still aren't thinking rational, Doll.”

  “Richard, I haven't been thinking rationally since the rape. And I really haven't been rational since the whole Nat business. Do you know that she's living with him, now?”

  “How did you figure that out?”

  “I've been doing drive-bys. Her car is there night and day.” I held back tears. “Anyhow, I always knew that my whole life with him was too good to be true. He is too good to be true. I never deserved him anyway. I never deserved him anyway.” At that, the tears came, and Richard held me close to his chest while I cried.

  “I'll miss you, Doll,” he said. “We all will.”

  I said nothing, just nodded my head. “I'll miss you too.”